It's not like I even got that much time with her so you'd think I'd be over it. I've been alive way longer than I ever knew her. I have very few memories of her, cannot remember her touch, her voice or her laugh. But it does not get easier.
I find myself wishing she were here, wishing she could have come see my first baby be born, hold my hand on days when I feel like giving up and let me cry on her shoulder.
I'm angry, I'm mad, I'm jealous, I'm resentful.
In my moments of bitterness and resentment I remember that this life is not my own. I remember that what happens on earth is for something greater. I'm not here for my own glory, but for my heavenly Father. If I did not have that glimpse of hope I don't know what I'd do. It doesn't take the pain away or change my circumstance but it does give me comfort and the strength to pull up my boots and go forward.
I'm here. I'm alive. I have a husband and 4 beautiful blessing that need me just like I so desperately need my mom. I will be the mom that I always wanted. No, I will not be perfect and I will screw up BUT I will ba here and be present.